Recently, we spent 5 days with my parents and siblings on a family vacation. This is something we do every summer. I returned feeling uneasy and battered, also something I feel, every summer.
My father/sister/stepmother continued their trend of nasty, sniping at each other. It was nonstop, as it always is. My homelife is very stable, calm, and respectful, so both Tim and I are (always) affected by the atmosphere of nastiness they seem to thrive in. My brother was angry with my father. My stepmother was upset with my brother. My sister was in a rancid mood, snapping at everyone for days. At one point, my father told Tim that perhaps it was time to ”medicate her with alcohol.” On day 2, I also managed to sprain my ankle. I was in pain and embarassed, for days. My stepmother was dramatic and obsessive compulsive and angry all the time (she always is). She complained about everyone and every bit of work involved to host the family week. We tried to deflect her as much as possible, and therefore we worked nonstop (cooking/cleaning/doing laundry/driving garbage to the dump/etc). Tim and I did the most work (as we always do), we cooked dinner every night and went to the grocery store every. single. day. The week ended with a resounding “everyone has to pitch in,” just moments before we drove away ” and since you two dont have little children to look after, that is your role.” Great. Thanks for thinking before you speak, dad. It’s always comforting to say that to a woman who may not be able to have children. I responded with a caustic “so if you can procreate, you won’t be worked to the bone?” I had had enough. Also, for the 3rd year in a row, Tim and I slept in dingy room in the basement where the dresser has been broken for years and the bathroom doesn’t have a mirror or a decent shower.
I cannot thrive or breathe when I am around my family. It took me days to recover. I am used to the calm, respectful lifestyle I have with Tim. We have decided this will be our last vacation in their home, with them. Next summer we will rent a cottage of our own or we will not go at all.
The summer has been a string of social obligations and I have been struggling to keep going. I thought perhaps a weekend of quality time with Tim would help but, we had a pretty tense “argument” last night. And now I feel battered, again.
Things just aren’t easy right now.
I am stressed out about upcoming test results and doctors appointments and it’s a struggle to maintain an facade of happiness. I keep waiting to climb out of this dark hole I’m sitting in, but everything seems the same.
