Catch a breath

So, prior to the diagnosis, I think  Tim and I were gearing up, both together and separately, to attempt this procreation thing in the fall.  I’m not sure if I discussed that here.  

Now,  I still don’t know what I want, but I think that for someone to go through what I will have to go through to have a child, then maybe I should want it first?

I see and read about women all the time that dream of being pregnant.  I don’t.  I haven’t.    There are women who go through immense effort and personal sacrifice to have children.  These women want it.

We have this appointment with the high-risk doctor, and a few people know about it, more than I would have liked.  I feel a genuine loss of privacy.     Beyond that, I asked myself yesterday if  I am just going through the motions? 

I do not know what I want.

I do like to be informed though.  I need to know what I am up against.

It would involve twice daily injections and additional medicines and extra weekly trips to the doctor and very close monitoring.  Is that something you do on a maybe?

This whole subject exhausts me, but it’s more than just the baby thing.  People are commenting about my behavior.  My lack of spunk.  My lack of animation.    My sister was so vocal about it at a family party that I had to ask her to stop.  Between work and the doctors appointments and the fact that I cannot shut down my brain so it’s think think think all the time I feel like I just cannot get a breath.  I would like to catch a breath.