Adverse Reactions

I had an adverse reaction to my new medication — but at first we didn’t realize it was related to the meds.     I was dealing with significant nausea for days  and that evolved to no appetite (plus the nausea).   I also wasn’t sleeping.    That combination of nausea+no food+no sleep  started making me a bit manic.   It was Tim who finally said, maybe it’s your new meds?  So we did some recon, and lo and behold, one of the top 5 adverse reactions to my new medication is nausea.  Fatigue is there too,  however I don’t exactly know if that translates to exhausted and couldn’t sleep.  Either way, the doctor pulled me off the medication  yesterday and I’m sitting here waiting for the nausea to recede and for sleep to come.

I am trying so hard to be positive and cheerful and like my sister, who has the “best attitude” about her health issues.   She’s so good at being positive that everyone compliments her about it.   I find I get pretty upset when I talk about what is going on with me right now, so I’m just not talking about it.  I don’t want people to have this perception that I am a whiny, depressed brat who is looking for pity.

That of course doesn’t change the fact that I am upset and I am struggling and that I am not myself.    I keep reminding myself  that with time I will feel better, I just want that time to come now.  I also know I need to continue to go through the motions/daily routine of my life, and that will make it easier to somehow move on.

Tim and I have decided we are not going to try this baby thing in October, or in 2009 at all.    We both feel that waiting a bit longer is not going to have that much of an affect either way.    I am so relieved.   I have 2 friends in their early 40’s that are both in their 3rd trimester.   

In 2010 we celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary and in August 2009 we will have been dating for 16 years.  We discussed celebrating us and these milestones on a trip together.     Right now I’m going to focus on that.

Catch a breath

So, prior to the diagnosis, I think  Tim and I were gearing up, both together and separately, to attempt this procreation thing in the fall.  I’m not sure if I discussed that here.  

Now,  I still don’t know what I want, but I think that for someone to go through what I will have to go through to have a child, then maybe I should want it first?

I see and read about women all the time that dream of being pregnant.  I don’t.  I haven’t.    There are women who go through immense effort and personal sacrifice to have children.  These women want it.

We have this appointment with the high-risk doctor, and a few people know about it, more than I would have liked.  I feel a genuine loss of privacy.     Beyond that, I asked myself yesterday if  I am just going through the motions? 

I do not know what I want.

I do like to be informed though.  I need to know what I am up against.

It would involve twice daily injections and additional medicines and extra weekly trips to the doctor and very close monitoring.  Is that something you do on a maybe?

This whole subject exhausts me, but it’s more than just the baby thing.  People are commenting about my behavior.  My lack of spunk.  My lack of animation.    My sister was so vocal about it at a family party that I had to ask her to stop.  Between work and the doctors appointments and the fact that I cannot shut down my brain so it’s think think think all the time I feel like I just cannot get a breath.  I would like to catch a breath.

A little bit of this, a lot of that

It’s been so up and down here lately that I find myself just wishing for a few even days.

I no longer question if starting my own business was the right route for me.      There has been so much new business lately and the bulk of it has come in from referrals.   That makes me feel really good as it means my clients are happy enough  with my work to suggest my services to family and collegues.   For the past few months,  I have been able to pick and choose which projects I want.    After years of sucking it up and taking any bone I could get, it is a nice change of pace.  In fact, I am a jumble of nerves as next week I find out if I landed my biggest project to date.         Of course life is yin and yang, because I am currently knee-deep in all these health issues…

I’ve been inundated with doctors appointments, sometimes 2-3 a week, and that schedule will continue straight through to September.  I’ve had additional blood work and have 2 prescriptions for more blood work in my purse. 

I managed to land a cancelled appointment with a well reputed hematologist (#3 but who is counting) so I took it.   I really liked him so I am glad that part of this mess has been decided.  He is bringing in a clotting specialist and there is some relief in that.  He ordered a repeat blood workup, so it’s off to the lab to have another 40+ vials taken, that happens Monday.

I felt a strong need to just be with my family (my brother/mother/nieces) so I flew to Florida for an extended week.  I am lucky that I own my own business and can work remotely.  I took 4 vacation days and then worked from Florida for the balance of the time.   It was just nice to have dinner with my parents and to drive to my brothers for coffee.  I closed the week with a surprise appearance at my nieces 5th birthday party and flew home. 

Speaking of flying, the Lovenox injections were a piece of cake.    I had read that the medication itself can burn going in, but all I felt was  a tiny pinprick from the needle.  I did ice the spot on my stomach before injecting though.   I was a bit uncomfortable flying with the needles and notifying the security people that I had them, but it’s just one of those things you have to get over, I guess.

While in Florida, hematologist number 2’s office called to schedule a follow-up appointment as the doctor wanted to discuss the results of the additional blood work he ordered.    I informed her they could fax all paperwork to my new hematologist and hung up.   Within 5 minutes I got a call from the doctor himself (on his private cell phone) stating that the blood work did “not come back as planned” and there are “additional complications” and he “reverses his diagnosis and treatment plan.”    I hate to be cliche, but I did not know whether to laugh or cry.    On one hand Iwas relieved that the hematologists 3  diagnosis and treatment match,  I was also devastated to learn there is an additional factor that make me more  susecptible to blood clotting.  He described it as a “Lupus Inhibitor.”   Incidentally, the day he took those tests, he felt rather strongly that “everything would come back fine” and then I could “stop worrying.”    I guess I proved him wrong, huh?

This week I had my first appointment with the heart doctor and he has started scheduling tests to determine if my increased risk of clotting has affected my arteries.  I also picked up an additional medication.     As each new doctor is introduced, they ask “so what medications are you on?” and gone are they days where I can respond with “none.”  I confess I have been struggling with that.

We have made no decisions on the baby front and are waiting to discuss our particular situation with the high-risk OB/GYN before we do.

My new cholesterol medicine can cause muscle ache and fatigue and that’s been fun in tandem with the Precision Nutrition workouts.    The first day of the Lean Eating program  I overestimated the amount of weight I should use and couldn’t walk for for days.    It was pretty amusing.    I guess I was just excited to start?   We are in the middle of the third week and it’s been very educational.    For the first month we are practicing core exercise moves and stretches 6 days a week.   There are also daily lessons (read this article or watch this interview or think about this an resond, etc).   I just submitted my photos (not pretty but I am a work in progress!) and will submit my measurements tomorrow.   I’ve always been a cardio girl, so  I hired a trainer to explain some of the exercises as they are completely foreign to me.    I start with her on Tuesday.  The program preaches patience, patience, patience, so they have yet to delve into the full nutrition aspect.  Nonetheless I’ve been able to figure the bulk of it out from the general PN message boards.    The first nutritional habit is to take concentrated fish oil, but I am already doing that as per the heart doctor and the hematologists 3.

Lean Eating with Precision Nutrition

I was fortunate to land one of 100 spots in the 6 month Precision Nutrition Lean Eating program.  I am not only intimidated, but compared to the other team members, I also feel out of my league.   In fact, there are a lot of trainers, athletes, gym owners and the like participating.     Nonetheless, I am forging gamely on.  My immediate goal is to be healthier, my secondary goal is to lose 40lbs, as noted by 5 (count ‘em) 5 doctors.  Every single doctor (and I bet the new one on Wednesday) have prescribed increased activity and significant dietary discipline. 

This week we are concentrating on exercise and today we had to practice 13 movements including squats and lunges and deadlifts.  Oh my! 

This was my first time doing a workout like this.  Historically,  I’ve always been more of a cardio girl. I brought a friend, my printed images of each workout, and then setup shop in the more casual weight room off the women’s locker room of my gym.

For the most part I did 3 sets of 5 reps each with 5lb dumbells. I was a bit wobbly after and my hamstrings and butt are feeling it now.

They don’t start in with the nutrition part of the program till next week, however after poking around the message boards I see what’s in store for me.  I confess I’m looking forward to it.