A few months have passed since my initial post “To Have or Have Not.” I wish I could say we were significantly closer to a decision about trying to have children, in one direction or the other.
Between then and now, we learned my brother’s wife is pregnant with her 3rd child and given her age (36) she had to go for additional “advanced age pregnancy” tests. My friend Anne is also due with her second child, and her doctor told her that since she will give birth within the 6 month window of turning 35, it is also an “advanced age pregnancy” — less tests are required though. I am 34 now, so, any pregnancy of mine will be considered an “advanced age pregnancy.” Research demonstrates that while you can have healthy children at age 35+ the risks are higher. Here is great article on this subject: http://www.marchofdimes.com/professionals/14332_1155.asp The common school of thought seems to be that if you know you want to have children, you should start sooner, rather than later. It would certainly help if I knew what I wanted?
Moreover, there is a possibility we could have difficulty conceiving. Off the top of my head, I can count 7 couples that I know of that had difficulty with infertility and used IVF. My friend Dina, who is now 42, had a successful conception via IVF at the age of 37, but has had 5 failed attempts since then, 2 in the past few months. In contrast, 2 of my friends gave birth to healthy baby girls last week, conceived naturally.
I wish I knew. I wish we knew. What we have established, over discussion the past few months, is that neither of us is against the idea of having children (we used to be, vehemently so), however the flip side of this is, we aren’t particularly gung-ho about it either? Is that reason enough to try? I am not so sure. Are all prospective parents gung-ho? A friend gently told me, “remember you will carry the baby 9+ months.” Many prospective parents use that time to grow more comfortable with the idea of becoming parents. In that aspect, I’d be quite normal, for a change. So, has there been a transition in our thoughts on this to neutral, yes? How many more years will it take to transition to a definite want? Perhaps we will never come around to that? Do we, realistically, have a few years left to wrestle with this?
We are both worried that later in life, we will regret our decision to not have children. We are also concerned about the financial aspects to having and raising a child. Tim is more concerned about this than I am. I know that if we need it, we will have the support (financial and otherwise) of our 3 sets of parents. I know my mother and mother-in-law will help me juggle a baby and my career. I also know that I work from home 5 out of 7 days a week and I know Tim wouldn’t mind being a stay-at-home dad. We would lose some aspects of our current lifestyle, the travel, the frequency of NYC dinners out, but I think we could still do those things, just less often. My husband has also informed he is afraid of dying alone. 
Whether we choose to have children or not, there are a few things that must be taken care of, prior. All of these items have been in the works, but they take on new urgency if we make the decision to try and have children. First we need to pay off our debt. Thankfully, that has been an ongoing 5+ year process and we are reaching the end of a very long road. Everything, including student loans, will be paid off in September, perhaps prior. No more car payments, credit card bills, or loan repayments. Second, we would need a more aggressive savings plan. That of course will easier to tackle when we have ZERO debt. Third, we need to streamline our life insurance policies prior to the fourth action item: I need to be tested for a genetic blood factor that my family has. It’s something I need to know, just to take basic life precautions. However, if we plan to have children, I must know, to take very specific precautions. My first appointment with the blood doctor is on March 26.
I am feeling stressed about the time-frame of this enormous life decision. I am envious of the people in my life who instinctively knew what they wanted. Tim recently mimicked my thoughts with words saying ”sometimes I’m envious of people who know right away all they want to do is get married and have a family.” Are we wasting valuable time, deciding? I wish I had a few more years pre-35 to work through it. This is no simple decision.
I got a new digital camera for my birthday. I am estatic about it. I have coveted it for a few years. It’s a Nikon D90 and is the same camera my father told me I didn’t need, because I don’t have children of my own to photograph. He then bought it for my brother. Take note, in my family you are rewarded for procreating with cameras. Here are some of my test shots.
