For the past year or so, Tim and I have been trying to come to terms with whether we want to have children or not.
There are women who -know- they want to be mothers. Like my sister-in-law. She loves children. If there’s a baby in the room, she’s holding it. She’s always been open and honest about wanting a family. I know so many people like her, my friends, my sister, my cousins. I’ve never wanted to hold a baby, in fact, I never have. I cannot fathom a future with children. I wonder if you have it or you don’t, and I simply don’t?
When you’ve been married as long as Tim and I have, there are invariably questions. I think it’s incredibly rude. If a couple has been together for 15 years (8 married) and has not yet procreated, perhaps there is a reason? I don’t think it’s anyone’s business? Why do I have to defend how I feel?
People ask, a lot. Over the years, I’ve learned to not discuss my reasons. At first, I tried to explain. I always get the “you’ll feel different when it’s yours” and “it’s because your parents are divorced.” There are a lot of snide comments. I remember my mother-in-law bitching because she doesn’t have grandchildren and my brother telling me to “act like an aunt” and hold his kid. I told them both to respect my boundries. It’s a very personal thing.
You know my mother wasn’t very good at being a mother (at least to children under the age of 25). She’s not a bad person, but she just wasn’t cut out for it. She got married and had kids because that’s what you did 40 years ago.
Lately, there are babies everywhere – in fact, I have 8 kid-photo Christmas cards to prove it. My 4 closest girlfriends are well at it. 2 recently had children, 2 are going to pop in early 2009. 2 of the wives to work colleges both struggled with infertility over the past 2 years. There were a lot of discussions about IUF and IUI. My brother has two girls. My sister has a baby girl. In fact, she made me (?) the godmother.
In 2005, instead of feeling pressured to have children, Tim and I decided to table it for a few years. Those few years have now passed. However, at my annual last year this subject came up. I’m going to be 35 in 2010. My gynecologist said people are having babies later now. She said to not worry about the statistics. However, I know a lot of people that struggle with infertility, hell, I could too?
I think in my mind I thought, ok, I’ll make this decision at 35. However at almost 34 I’m not much further along in the process than I was at the age of 30. I think the only difference is that these days, I have more exposure to children (neices, friends, etc). I keep looking for the answers, but I seem to be coming up short. I’ll be walking through the a store and come upon a baby stroller, I make myself take a good hard look at the baby. I am trying to be more aware, thinking perhaps that will help me make this huge decision.
After my appointment last year, Tim and I have been discussing this on and off. I asked him a few weeks ago if there was something wrong with me? Why is it that everyone around me is a mom or about to me a mom or wants to be a mom and I feel like this. Is that the answer?
